On Same Sex Marriage and Partnership

This past week, my state (Minnesota) became the 12th state in the U.S. to legalize same-sex marriage.

This means that as of August 1, 2013, our gay family members and acquaintances will be able to stop using the term “partner” in reference to their significant other, and start using the term “husband.” Or “wife.”

That’s too bad.

Okay, now, liberal friends and readers – you do not have to click away in disgust at my unenlightened homophobic ways. Neither am I about to extol the virtues of same sex marriage and all its wonderful benefits, so my conservative friends and readers can also pick themselves back up off the floor!

It’s too bad because I think that “partner” is a delightful way to describe a relationship, no matter which side of the same-sex marriage debate a person lands on. Marriage is a partnership. It’s not a hierarchy. At least not a healthy marriage. It’s a team effort. It’s two people working together toward whatever goal you are striving for. Sometimes this means one person needs more support; other times it means that person is the giver of support.

Apparently, I am an egalitarian hipster – because I was egalitarian before it was cool. Or at least before I knew it was cool. At the very least, before I knew the official difference between a complementarian and an egalitarian.  The point is, my husband and I went into our marriage agreeing that we were equal partners. That according to what we had seen in Scripture, submission was mutual and was a matter of common courtesy and preferring others over ourselves. Do we always do a great job at this? No – because people are inherently selfish and don’t like to prefer others.

About a year ago, we made a contact at a community meeting, who followed up with Patrick via email, saying,”It was great to meet you and your partner last night.” Obviously, this was her way of not assuming…it jarred me a little bit because I was accustomed to everyone in my circle being fully aware of my marital status [and, of course, being part of the evangelical world, where the common assumption is holy matrimony and not the alternative!].

But as I thought about it more, I really liked the terminology.

So now that the LGBT community gets to use the terms “husband” and “wfe” to describe their relationships…can I start using “partner” instead??

 

 

 

How my lack of street smarts landed me a full time job

Now comes the portion of the show where Leanne tells an amusing story in which her lack of ability to read a sign on a door ended up leading to gainful employment.

So…last October on my day off [I was working a part time temp job that I enjoyed, but wasn't quite paying all the bills!] I was walking around downtown Duluth running some errands and decided to go and see if the new Duluth Coffee Company coffee shop was open yet. I walked to the door, pulled on it…and nothing. I saw people in there, but I figured they were still working on getting it ready for opening.

I shrugged my shoulders and walked back down the street, choosing instead to land at Takk for Maten, a [now closed] coffee shop in the building where I worked a temp job for 6 months. I sat down with my coffee and muffin and pulled out my book and read and relaxed for a bit. As I was getting ready to leave, I ran into one of my former co-workers from my old temp job.

[Side note: I really had enjoyed working for this company, and had kept in touch periodically with the VP letting her know that I would definitely be interested in coming back if a permanent job opened up. The feeling was mutual on their end as well, but so far nothing had come up.]

So the former co-worker and I chatted for a bit and then she said, “Hey, it’s a really slow day today – do you want to come up and say hello to everyone?”

I thought this was a grand idea.

So I went up; said hello, and then the VP flagged me down before I left, saying that there was the possibility of a position opening up and would I still be interested in applying for it? I said yes, and she arranged a meeting between myself and the Director of Operations, and then I was subsequently called for an interview about a week after that and offered the position the same day.

Then promoted to a new position within the same company three months later.

This is still not what I really do; it’s just my day job – but it’s nice to have a day job that I do not dread going to every day….

So back to the original coffee shop: Today, I walked down there on my break to grab a cup of coffee. I pulled on the door once again. Nothing. Then I looked at the handle. It said “PUSH.”

But had I realized that 6 months ago, I would have gone into the Duluth Coffee Company, had my coffee and not run into my former co-worker or gotten back into the VP’s radar and gotten a full time job and a promotion and be making actual grown-up money. In a company where it’s totally cool to wear my jeans 5 days a week since all of our work is either phone or web-based.

And the moral of the story is that sometimes a lack of street smarts can lead to something great. So celebrate! Let your freak flag fly!

If you don’t like your fate…change it!!

The above is a quote from one of our favorite musicals, Aida.

The full quote:

“You act as though you’ve been enslaved. There are no shackles on you – if you don’t like your fate – CHANGE IT!”

I go back to this time and time again, in response to my ultimate song of angst and frustration [gotta love the late 90s!]…Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage…

The point is, of course, that I am not a rat in a cage. I am a human being with the ability to think, reason, and not be stuck in a rut. On a treadmill. A rat race. Insert your favorite metaphor here.

I simply do not want to live a life in which I wake up, go to work, come home, watch t.v. and go to bed, and then repeat the same thing Monday – Friday, living and working for the weekend. I am more than that. We are more than that.

Which brings me to the purpose of this post: a slightly new direction for this blog, at least temporarily.

Both my husband and I have some pounds to lose.

We have taken some “time off” from worrying about it, because Iwe wanted to make sure we were approaching it from a “living healthy” point of view, rather than a “I’m so fat and ugly…woe is me!” point of view. Self loathing does not lead to healthy weight loss; it leads to eating disorders. And I really don’t need to be adding that to my bag of issues .

I have always said (seriously!), “I wish one of my friends would become a personal trainer or nutritionist and offer to use me as their guinea pig – I would totally let them use my story and my before and after photos to help sell their services!” I tend (sadly!) to be more motivated and take projects more seriously when someone other than me is involved. We’ll work on that issue later….

So imagine my surprise last week when I got a Facebook message from a friend who is completing her trainer certification and working on marketing a nutrition/fitness program and looking for blogging friends to participate in her 21-day boot camp and post their progress/results on their blog!

I talked to my husband and he is totally on board as well.

We start after we get back from our vacation.

I will be posting frequent updates on this blog (yes…gulp…with pictures!) for the first 21 days, linking back to my friend’s blog and website, and then less frequently – maybe once a month or so – after that.

The program is primarily nutrition-based. Which scares the crap out of me, because it includes a 3-day detox. Probably means none of my beloved coffee. I had better keep my Advil Migraine nearby because, as I will just be returning from vacation, I will not be able to take another three days off from work to stay at home and nurse the splitting headache that will inevitably come.

But my word for 2013 is FEARLESS. I keep reminding myself of this. I can do all things – even give up coffee for a few days – through Christ who strengthens me.

So…the next few days are “Operation Clean Out the Cupboards/Fridge” both because we are going on vacation and because, chances are, most of what we have right now is not going to be considered “clean” food.

Should be interesting to see what food combinations we come up with by Wednesday….

 

 

Five Things…

This is a tradition I started about 8 years ago during a rather tumultuous time in my life. Whenever things seemed unbearable, I would come up with five things that made me happy at that very moment.

I am nowhere near that level of angst right now, but one does not need to be on the brink of a nervous breakdown to practice gratefulness. So here goes:

*My (borderline) migraine seems to be subsiding. Finally. That would make me grateful for the wonderful scientists who created Advil Migraine [Disclaimer: I am not one of those people who goes around calling every headache a migraine, and truth be told, I have had worse! But I was pretty much in a fog at work all day due to the pain...]

*My Keurig. Much love for the magical machine that cranks out coffee, tea, cocoa, and all manner of warm beverages at the push of a button.

*A warm, springy, melty day in the midst of all our [spring] winter storm watches. Two down; one to go. Life in Minnesota….

*Being married to a man with whom I share a weird sense of humor and a love of all things nerdy.

*Only 6 more working days until our first REAL vacation!!!!!

The end and expectations

The plan for our last day was to go to early service, teach our class and then leave – since we were meeting with a friend at 1pm to go over wedding reception details [we are coordinating/organizing the food for her wedding next weekend].

We overslept. I pressed the snooze button way too many times in favor of snuggling back under the covers next to my husband.

The last class was surreal. We didn’t tell the three faithful attendees that we were leaving, but there was a sense of finality in the air. We somehow got through it and at the end, wordlessly walked down the hallway and out of the building, not speaking until we got in the car. It was a solemn occasion; no words were necessary between the two of us as we stared straight ahead, eyes fixed on the door, hoping that we didn’t run into any of the pastoral staff (we didn’t) or the one family we’ve actually gotten to know there.

“Well, that was depressing,” said Patrick. He said that he was hoping against all odds that today, at the last minute, something would click and it would all make sense; that we’d get some sort of revelation or sign that we were supposed to stay and make this our home. But there was nothing left to do but leave.

We still had some time to kill before we met our friend, so we stopped for some bagels and soup for lunch and talked once again about this journey of ours. About our quest for community and connection – about our tendency to throw ourselves into church involvement. Wondering why it is so hard to find that community and connect with others. Is it our past? Are we just skittish about church involvement and settling down since we spent most of our 20s in really bad church situations?

We think we narrowed it down, believe it or not.

Expectations.

We have been expecting too much. Trying to force community, when true community is meant to evolve and develop. The only way we’ve made connections is to take on a leadership position so that everyone wants to get to know us and we have a free pass at everyone’s table at the potluck. It’s all we know.

And it’s not what we’re meant to do right now.

So we made the decision to go back to square one – to the church where we really did feel like we could be at home [and where we were encouraged to chill out, worship God and just get to know people and see where, if anywhere, He led us to serve], but due to the fact that they meet on Sunday evenings (and our jobs at the time had us at work before the sun came up on Mondays!), it just didn’t work out.

Work schedules have changed.

We have thoroughly immersed ourselves in all the churches on our list.

And we are done expecting anything at church other than to meet with God.

We figure that He can take it from there.

Here I (we) go again….

You’d think that after two years, we would have found a church to settle in.

But you’d be wrong.

Sigh.

It is partially good news this time. You see, we had sort of agreed (informally) to a leadership position in the area of fine arts at the church we have been attending. At the time we agreed to it, I was working part time. Our company was sort of floundering, in the beginning stages of a program that we weren’t sure was going to take off.

Fast forward a few months…

Both of us work full time.

Our company and programming have exploded, complete with two community grants and an unbelievable response to an idea that wasn’t even a thought last September when we thought we would be able to pull this off as well.

Between planning meetings, scrounging up more grants and volunteers, running our weekly and monthly programming, working 40 hours a week each, and trying to carve out quality time for each other and our extended families (as well as start one of our own!), that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time to be heading up church drama besides.

Something’s got to give. And since we moved here to minister to the community – not to be in a leadership position at a church – it looks like this is going to be it.

So why can’t we just step down and stay at the church and just worship?

Because it just doesn’t work that way.

Because this church is very much a “you need to step up and serve in an area of ministry within the church” kind of atmosphere.

Because we have way too many codependent approval addiction issues (me more than him!) and have trouble separating our performance from our relationship with God, and attending a church of this nature is like an alcoholic taking a job in a bar. I thrive on church involvement. I love the accolades, the pats on the back, the familiarity of it all. I tend to throw myself into it, forgetting WHO is really the reason for my running around like a mad woman planning events and leading up ministries.

I love the A/G – it is where I grew up. Where I accepted Christ and learned a ton of Scripture and learned all about how to worship and how to live a godly life and all that. It is where I learned to serve, and it is the denomination that had a large hand in shaping me into the person I am today and am still becoming.

But for right now, I need to part ways. It’s too easy for me when I have “insider’s knowledge” to step back into a familiar, unhealthy yet comfortable role – instead of bravely stepping into what God has next. Whatever that may be.

So…here we go again. We wrap up our class tomorrow and then….?????

I don’t want to take sides!!

Some of my friends on Facebook this week have posted as their profile picture a red square with a pink “equals” sign in favor of marriage equality.

Others have posted a red square with a pink cross in the middle, presumably to “take a stand” against same sex marriage.

I cringed when I saw this, to tell you the truth. It brought images of the Crusades to mind, of when taking a stand for Christ meant torturing and killing those whose religious beliefs did not line up with yours. Okay, to be fair, I don’t think most of my conservative Christian friends are actually in favor of killing anyone in the gay community [at least I hope not!]. But…what made me cringe was that the cross – the symbol of our faith; especially at this time of year when we remember what Christ did for us – was being used as a weapon. As a way of “one-upping” those crazy liberals.

Is this necessary? Do I have to take a side? Should we even be forming or taking “sides”? Where in Scripture did Jesus tell us to stand up for him, as though he is a picked-on nerdy kid in the schoolyard being harassed by bullies? I mean – he triumphed over death and hell. I think he can take on American political issues!

My point here is not to talk about who is right in this debate or who is wrong. But as people of faith, let’s not use that faith as a weapon. I’m talking about trimphantly quoting Scripture at people; making sarcastic quips ["God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," for one!]; of making the debate “gays vs. Christians.” There are plenty of Christians who are in support of same sex marriage; and there are plenty who do not claim Christ who are complete homophobes.

The only thing the Bible tells us to take a stand against are the forces of darkness (Ephesians 6). It tells us that our battle is not against flesh and blood; it’s a supernatural one. We’re supposed to love the flesh and blood. And when we make glib comments about the “gay agenda,” or fling the cross of Christ in the face of someone supporting marriage equality, we are fighting against people. People that Christ died for.

During this Holy Week, let’s treat the cross with reverence, remembering that it is a symbol of Jesus’ redemptive work; his great love for all of us [no matter which side of the political spectrum we claim], and ultimately, his triumph over death – not a weapon that we use to prove our superiority.

Taking a break from life…

Well, this weekend has been exactly what the doctor ordered: absolute nothingness, sprinkled with a whole bunch of Buffy episodes.

It was sort of forced nothingness because a.) due to a complicated issue with our rent check, the finances are a bit tight until payday, and b.) my husband has been sick all weekend with a virus or food poisoning or something that made him puke all day yesterday when he wasn’t drifting in and out of consciousness.

Add to that the fact that I do not have my driver’s license [long story; no not really - I just never got around to getting it!], and we ended up cancelling our Sunday School class today [aah...the advantage of teaching a class for grown-ups: when you are ill, you just cancel and trust that the adults will find something else to do with their time!!] and not attending the meeting for leaders that we were supposed to go to. Yup…kicking off Holy Week with a Buffy marathon.

For the past few weeks, the Serenity Prayer has been floating around in my brain. I guess it’s appropriate, because it is a prayer that addicts pray at their meetings. I wish there was a support group for approval addicts – I wish I had a sponsor and a Big Book and 12 steps. I don’t. But I do have a prayer:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Interesting, because my word last year was “serenity.” This year’s is “fearless.” Does this mean next year’s will be “wisdom,” to complete the trio?

But now I am working on changing what I can change. Learning to be more organized so that we eat at home more instead of going out, which is bad for our physical and our financial health. Stepping up my devotional life and listening to God. Figuring out how to be a “civilian” instead of “staff” in church world. Being content with and enjoying where I am in life instead of constantly looking ahead and wishing I was somewhere else. Closing my eyes and wishing myself in Tahiti instead of Minnesota does not count!

I am restless now, but in a good way. Ready to stop working for the weekend and wringing my hands in despair that my life doesn’t look like someone else’s.

Ready to truly travel light.

 

 

PTSD moments

This week, Rachel Held Evans has been hosting a series on abuse and how the church relates to it (or sometimes causes it – see also “abuse, spiritual”).

Despite my declaration to be FEARLESS in 2013, I avoided writing about it, even though I had a lot on my mind. This blog is supposed to be about traveling light and leaving all my spiritual abuse baggage at the old blog as a resource for people still walking through it – because I’m all healed, dontcha know?

Um….yeah.

Therapy, however, tends to be “one step forward, two steps back.” I have discovered that trigger moments happen unexpectedly, and I have quite honestly been fighting a few this week.

1. A situation at work, in which I was doing everything I knew to do – everything I had been trained in – and was still facing scathing criticism from a client. We finally got it resolved and it turned out it had nothing to do with me, but with how our computer system generates information. Problem solved. Except that I spent weeks remembering that feeling of helplessness, of having to defend myself against ugly accusations, of doing everything I knew to do to be a staff pastor, and nothing being enough for the people I was called to serve. Of literally serving in a place that was controlled by demons – and of emotions going haywire. As I did some data entry for this client, my fingers shook. I was cold, even though the heat is always turned way up in our office. The victory I am holding onto is that I realized my emotions were being triggered.

2. A mandatory meeting for small group leaders and teachers of classes at our church this weekend. I honestly don’t know why this is causing me so much angst. Probably fear of being pressured or coerced into joining a small group. Remembering our last ugly experience with being involved with a small group. Automatically assuming that the meeting is going to be a scolding of some sort, of being told all that we’re doing wrong in our voluntary positions as adult Sunday School teachers. This is probably not the case, and again, I realize that my past experiences are triggering more emotions.

Recognizing these “PTSD moments” that come as a result of spiritual abuse and pushing through, even though it hurts, is, indeed a victory. This time there were no migraines. No panic attacks [and by panic attack, I do not mean the surge of adrenaline that some people feel when they're on a roller coaster - I mean the feeling that someone is squeezing your heart or dropping a ton of rocks on your chest; shortness of breath; gasping out a prayer of, "Jesus, help me!" because that's all you can manage to say and you hope that He is reading between the lines and that He knows what you need].

Despite all I have been through; despite the fact that I went to therapy once a week for a year and a half; despite the fact that through that therapy with a reputable Christian doctor [with an actual degree in psychology - yes, these people do exist!], I learned a lot of helpful tools to deal with my issues – I still somewhat feel the stigma that the Christian church tends to attach to emotional issues.

Just pray about it.

Everyone feels sad sometimes.

If you would just forgive the people who hurt you, everything would fall into place.

Stop dwelling on the past – move forward!

But I felt strongly that I needed to blog about this today. I don’t know why. Maybe there’s someone out there who needs to read that Christians sometimes have panic attacks, too. Maybe they need to know that it’s okay for a Christian to seek professional psychological help. Maybe you’re reading this and you need a reminder that relapses happen; trigger moments come and go, and that does not mean that you don’t “have the victory” or however your particular denominational tradition puts it.

So know this: you are officially hearing from a Christian who went through a crappy time in life, still occasionally struggles, and still feels like she has victory. It’s okay.

God understands.

Role Reversal

According to “official” surveys….

The majority of women would rather go the rest of their lives feeling inadequate and disrespected than unloved and alone.

The majority of men would rather go the rest of their lives feeling unloved and alone than inadequate and disrespected.

Okay….well, once again, the Weber household has defied male/female stereotypes. I asked my husband this question tonight, and he said, “definitely inadequate and disrespected – I hate being alone!”

Me? I don’t particularly enjoy feeling unloved and alone, but my inner approval addict finds it much more disconcerting to feel inadequate and disrespected.

Although my husband pointed out, “Isn’t respect part of love?” True…if you love someone, it stands to reason that you will show them respect. The reverse is, of course, not true – I can respect my boss as the one in charge at work, but that certainly doesn’t mean that I love him. I’m sure my husband and his wife are very grateful for that fact!

For me? My motto in life is, “Love me or hate me – just don’t ignore me!” I attended public school for one year [well, two, if you count kindergarten!]. My freshman year of high school. And it was the worst year in my entire school career. I was not bullied or targeted. I was pretty much….left alone. Invisible. I was not popular or despised. I was just…there. It wasn’t a matter of feeling unloved – it was a matter of feeling as though I didn’t matter. I was pretty much a straight-A student, but my accomplishments were not recognized or acknowledged.

During the time at one of our spiritually abusive churches, the two things that were said about me that really bothered me were:

1. That I didn’t preach the true gospel to kids.

2. I had no opinions of my own and was being led around by my evil, corrupt husband.

The reason that these two things bothered me the most was because they were entirely based in fiction. Call me a witch because I did illusion in kids’ church [very badly, I might add!]? Stupid and legalistic, but okay…if that’s someone’s opinion, more power to them. Call me prideful or rebellious? Again, a matter of opinion and perception.

But to say that I am just a spineless wuss who has no choice but to succumb to the source of all evil because I can’t stand up for myself? That was what really got under my skin. Although now that we look back, it does make total sense that the source of all evil would be married to a witch. I mean, who else does the Dark Prince marry?

And to say that I was not doing the job that I was called to do? That I was leading children astray somehow?

Yup. Inadequate and disrespected.

Those things really get under my skin.

I am not sure why we defy all the male/female stereotypes. I don’t think we do it on purpose…but the truth is? My husband is way more nurturing and empathetic than I am. He would rather be known for who he is; my natural inclination is to want to be known for all the awesome stuff I do. Oh, and he totally shops like a woman. He shops FOR manly, masculine things like electronic gadgets…but he takes his time…perusing the aisles, going from store to store for the best deal, and often ending up at the one we started at. I know what I want, where I want to get it from, and take as little time as possible getting from Point A to Point B. In other words, I shop like a man.

We are who we are, I guess.

Proof that God doles out personality types and giftings as He will, with no regard to gender…interesting….